I feel uncomfortable saying no to people. Blame it on the people pleasing child in me. The one that wants to keep other people happy whatever the cost. The one who hasn’t grown enough self-esteem to just say no, simply and plainly.
My consultant wants me to do an audit. She mentioned it and in a roundabout way, I let her know that I didn’t think I would be able to. I hadn’t even completed the audit from my previous placement. She mentioned it again 5 minutes later and explained the project a bit more. At this point I could feel the pressure. Now my consultant is super nice and it’s the niceness that makes it even harder to say no.
Who am I kidding? I just don’t like saying no, particularly to someone above me, like my supervisor. I feel like by saying no, I might rile them and turn them against me.
I’ve been learning a few tough lessons over the course of the last few months. I thought I was a smart individual, but it seems like I have to go through the same type of situation over and over again before I learn my lesson. And each time I fail to learn, the lessons become harder and the consequences harsher.
I can see it now: I’ll take on this project, I’ll end up staying late multiple times after my shift to complete it, it’ll end up being subpar, I’ll be grumpy and unhappy and subconsciously take it out on everyone else.
I just need to be honest with myself and clearly let her know that I cannot. Already, I feel like I’ve got a lot on my plate, I honestly don’t think I could cope with the additional pressure of something else. Any spare energy I have, I want to spend it on me. I already give a lot of my energy to this job. And I don’t even like doing audits. GP audits are easier to do because everything is computerised, there won’t be any wading through pages and pages of notes trying to decipher handwriting. I just don’t want to.
Obviously, she doesn’t need to know all of that. But I should just be honest.