I’ve been feeling differently lately. I can’t quite describe what it is.

Somewhere towards the end of F1 being a doctor just felt like… a job. Like I was just going through the motions. Before that, I remember having a sense of hope that the next shift would be better or the next placement would be better, I would be better. Whereas recently I catch myself just wanting the day to be over, the placement to be over. It’s like I’ve lost my sense of hope and curiosity and just replaced it with cynicism.

I’ve made the end of F2 my goal and that’s what I’m working towards. The enthusiasm to learn more about new conditions is waning.

I imagine it’s like the bit just before the end of a relationship. That limbo period where no one can muster the energy to try to make it work but then there’s also the fear of actually letting go. I don’t know how to get that energy back. I don’t know how to work up some enthusiasm again.

So recently, I’ve started working on my perceptions and just trying to be a bit more… grateful? positive? I don’t know. I’m trying to focus more on what’s going right, than what’s going wrong. I think it’s quite easy to feed and perpetuate negativity to the point that it just becomes a cycle, that snowballs. Who wants that? Instead, maybe I’ll try to take a bit more responsibility and not act like a helpless bystander to my own life…

Plus, I’m praying A&E will help me to feel a bit more rejuvenated

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