Oh My God. I feel stuck. I mean I’ve known it for a while now. But it wasn’t till I was part way through a YouTube video that I had this dawning realisation that I actually feel really really stuck. Like the kind of stuck that is self-imposed because I know what I’m unhappy about but I can’t won’t change the circumstances just yet.
I’ve said it before that I know I need a break and the end of F2 (August) is the natural time to take it. So that’s where my goal post is and it’s where I’m heading towards. And at the finish line is where I expect to suddenly feel free and un-stuck.
I mean I could quit now, but my stubbornness and my pride just won’t let me. Not to mention the overwhelming guilt I’ll feel if I leave the hospital short one trainee.
And then I got to thinking about how I got here. It’s hard to realise that it’s all my decisions that have led me to this point and that I made the bed that I’m now in. I think about decisions that I made out of fear, the times I wanted to do things but I turned away and took a safer route. All of those turns, have led me to where I am now.
And hand in hand with that, is me not trusting myself. I don’t trust myself enough to make decisions. I regularly listen to the advice of others, mainly family, before my own. I’ll give someone else the power to make decisions for me, and then wonder why I don’t like the outcome. I know a big part of it is that I’m scared of making the wrong choice but how easy and boring would life be if we were right all the time?