5th May 2017


At 1 o’clock, I went to the fridge to get my lunch. If there’s one thing I look forward to during a shift, it’s lunch time. Half an hour of (supposedly) uninterrupted break time. So when I found a good point between jobs to get lunch, I dropped everything and headed straight to the staffroom, smug  in the knowledge that I wouldn’t need to line up for the same carb-loaded meal I had yesterday (pizza and chips). I opened the fridge, nothing immediately jumped out to me, so I had another look. No lunch. Stay calm, there is probably a reasonable explanation.

Turns out the reasonable explanation was that one of the health care assistants had thrown it away. What, with the container? No, the container was safe. The contents, not so safe. She apologised profusely but said she was just doing her job.

I didn’t have anything to say. I was not happy. Just one more reason why I resent the system.

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8th February 2017

Wasn’t one of my best days at work (I’ve been having a run of bad days). There’s been an issue that’s been causing a bit of tension between me and 2 of my colleagues since around December. Finally, after avoiding the issue, we decided we’d get together and discuss it on Monday.

It’s been a source of anxiety for me and I’m not sure why. Every time I think about the topic and the fact that it’s still unresolved, I would get a churning feeling pretty much automatically. I would randomly think about it whilst doing other things and try brace myself for that feeling. It passes quickly but it just compounds the issue, making it feel worse than it should do.

We finally decided to talk about it today (Wednesday) especially as our meeting on Monday fell through (which didn’t help my anxiety because I was sitting around for 20 minutes gearing myself up for it). So early afternoon, we found a quiet spot and discussed it. Argued is probably a better way of putting it

Things got heated pretty quickly. I’m not the kind of person to start arguments if I can avoid it, especially at work, but I wasn’t prepared to back down on something I felt strongly about. Do I regret that we couldn’t work it out there and then, yes. Do I regret that things turned sour, yes. I can apologise for those things but I won’t apologise for what I feel is right. I could have been calmer in the situation.

I think my colleagues are being unreasonable. But I can see quite clearly from their side they think the same thing about me. Which is fine, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

And in some ways, I feel better for getting it off my chest. But my mind is still replaying the scene in my head, going over all the things I said, all the things they said. I suspect things are about to get very awkward.

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7th February 2017


I got a telling off. It was done in such a gentle way, I couldn’t tell who was more uncomfortable me or the consultant.

He basically said that he’d had reports that I hadn’t been answering my bleep and that I was frequently non-contactable which meant the registrars and the SHO were being bleeped instead. And that this was also affecting patients getting discharged.

I appreciate that he needed to have a word with me because that is a real issue. If the registrars are continuously being hounded because no one can reach me then that’s going to stop them getting on with their own jobs. I see why it needs addressing.

However, my issues are that:-

1) I’m essentially being accused of something without no one giving me the benefit of doubt and

2) I do answer my bleep. Period. Whenever my bleep goes off, I answer it as soon as I can. Even if I’m having lunch. If I’m bleeped whilst in the middle of a task that I can’t stop, then I call back. Honestly, there have been times where I’ve forgotten but those situations don’t even happen that regularly.

3) I’m almost always free. There are so many times when I’m not doing anything and I’m literally looking for tasks to do, why would I then ignore my bleep and continue doing nothing. I’m literally typing this at work, in between getting data from an audit I’ve asked for. All because there is nothing to do. There were 3 patients on the ward round and they’re all being discharged which means no jobs. I really can’t stress how annoying this whole situation is.

Not being given the benefit of doubt paints me out to be a bad F1. And to be told off as an adult is humiliating. But if it was something I knew I’d been doing, I’d consider this a warning and act right. But I’m at loss as to what to do next. I feel like I’ve been found guilty and I’m the only one that thinks I’m innocent.

One of the registrars did mention it to me 2/3 times back in the beginning of the placement but I had my bleep changed and I thought that had resolved the issue. I was surprised to have this be brought up again. I’d expected the registrar or the SHO to have cornered me and asked why I wasn’t answering my bleep. But none of them said anything. Why wouldn’t they say anything? At least that would have made me aware that there was a problem.

And if a patient falls ill and I’m “non-contactable” then it becomes a safety issue which is potentially serious.

And to top it all off he said something about another issue which made me highly suspicious that this may all be driven by one of the registrars who I’m sure hates me.

So, I’m essentially on a mission to prove my innocence because everyone obviously thinks that I’m in the wrong which I think is overwhelmingly unfair.

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