All of July, I’ve been doing weekly posts on things I wish I knew before starting F1 or at least advise I could give to someone else starting their F1 post in August. And for the final post of July I had something else in mind. Unfortunately, I’ve been unwell and that particular post would have required a lot of research. Therefore, I’ve opted for something else: a year in review. Taking a step back and reviewing my first year as a doctor as I step into a new one.
It has been without a doubt, the hardest year of my life. Challenging beyond belief. There were so many moments where I felt lost and unsure. I’ve had times where I’ve been incredibly unhappy and more so recently where I’ve been so close to resigning. The hardest situations have been where I’ve felt personally scrutinised, where someone else’s perceptions of me contradicts how I see myself. These have left me feeling hurt and confused and wondering whether I know myself as much as I thought did. It’s often led to a lot of over analysing on my part to the point where I have often questioned something I knew to be true. It’s difficult to explain but I think my confidence in my own convictions has wavered under pressure. I’ve been blamed for issues that haven’t been my fault, I’ve had difficulties with senior colleagues and I’ve found it hard to know who to turn to.
I guess it’s an indication of how much I need to work on.
I know I could have been better. Much better. I could have taken care of myself more. There were times I could have been more honest, where I could have communicated more. I could have spoken up more, I could have taken myself less seriously. I could have stepped out of my comfort zone more. There’s comfort in knowing I’ve become a better doctor, but I question whether all of this has made me a better person.
And at this very moment, looking back through everything I’ve experienced, more than anything, I’m grateful that I’ve made it through. It wasn’t supposed to be easy. I just never imagined it would be so hard.
Have I enjoyed F1? No. There’s no circling around the answer, I haven’t. I’m glad I’ll soon be able to close the door on those experiences and move on. And part of me wonders whether F2 will change the way I think about medicine. Will being a more senior member of the team shift my views so drastically that I finally realise that medicine is everything I wanted? I doubt it. I think my placements in F2 are more in line with what I want to do. But again, I doubt that will make a huge difference to the way I feel. I think the fundamental issues I have won’t change with a different placement or being at a different stage in my career. Being a junior doctor now feels like it’s tougher than it’s ever been what with how much strain our health service is currently under.
But I think that there is another side to this issue. Me. Medicine isn’t serving me the way I would have hoped. And it comes across in what I write. I would have liked this blog to show a lighter side of medicine, but I’ve tried to honestly depict how I’ve felt in my experiences. There are parts I enjoy but there’s so much that I don’t and it’s this realisation that makes me think that I’ve made the wrong choice.
Medicine was always the career I thought of the most, even though I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to do. Out of everything else, it was the one thing I could see myself doing. I’m happy I’ve been able to experience this journey and make a better judgement on what it is I want in a career.
Heading into F2, I pray that I can take all the lessons I’ve learnt and make this year better. I want to focus more on my physical and mental health, my hobbies and a career out of medicine. I think F2 should give me a more definitive answer about whether medicine is for me. Either way, I’m ready to make some changes.